Therapy

S wants me to go back to therapy. She says I have such an incredible backlog of “stuff” to sort out and deal with. And I mean, she’s not wrong. But also it’s really scary. I’ve spent a really long time stomping on all of that nonsense, and while it’s true I’m far from healed it’s more like…really thickly scabbed? and pulling off those scabs is going to hurt like hell, and I’m frankly terrified of what I might find under there.

But then I think. J spends an utterly ridiculous amount of time dealing with my assorted triggers and traumas and that’s…not right, and not fair. It’s not his job to fix what others broke.

I saw a great piece of art a while back. Well, a series, really. For those who might not know, there is a Japanese art technique, kintsugi.

“Kintsugi (金継ぎ, “golden joinery”), also known as Kintsukuroi (金繕い, “golden repair”),[1] is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-etechnique.[2][3][4] As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.[5]”

So this artist, blog name sully-s, did a really powerful series of scars and wounds repaired this way. You should check it out: https://tmblr.co/ZPWTCw2Xip1DF Be warned, it’s very stark and might be disturbing to some.

And I just think. Wouldn’t it be great for my wounds to just be part of what makes me me? To be a part of my beauty and strength, not a scab to protect?

So I don’t know. Maybe I’ll look into the therapy thing. I wouldn’t put any money on how long it takes me to scrape up some courage to actually DO it though!

Things No One Warns You About

I was sick last week. Nothing too terrible, just a nasty head cold. But, it involved many days in a row of cold medicines, and now I’m reaping the consequences.

For those who don’t know, cold medications (particularly decongestants such as suphedrine) can seriously destabilize folks who have mood disorders.

I knew this, of course. As I mentioned in my bio, I’ve been moderately to severely ill for many years. Unfortunately, I also know that not being able to breathe, not being able to sleep, and generally feeling like roadkill…also destabilize me. Some days you just can’t win for losing.

So now I’m squarely in the middle of what feels like a mixed episode, and isn’t THAT just a treat.

Image Description: Screenshot from a mood tracker app showing a huge bounce from low to high over the last 24 hours.

It’s possible I’m “just” ultra-rapid cycling, but this feels more mixed. I’m having “manic-y” warning signs when I’m down, etc.

The other night was really bad; my mood was ok, but my head was super noisy, and my impulse control was shot. For me, “super noisy” is just that – it’s not like hearing voices, it’s more like hearing Every Voice Ever All At Once. If you’ve ever been to a popular restaurant on a Friday night, you have a pretty good idea what I mean. Fortunately I’ve learned that putting on music helps a lot; even more fortunately, I work a job where I can have my headphones on.

Last night was actually even worse than that, though. I didn’t sleep well, so I woke up grumpy, and then after I got to work my mood REALLY crashed. I got mired in hopelessness and feeling just utterly defeated. Even my body felt heavy and gross. Normally I really prize the fact that I work alone and don’t have to deal with people all the time, but nights like that are really tough. Once again my trusty headphones came to my rescue, and I just kind of…held on and pushed through.

Tonight is SO much better, but it kind of highlights the eternal quandary of bipolar: am I feeling “too much” better? Maybe? It’s really hard to say, to be honest. I slept better, so I woke up with quite a lot more pep in my step. But…well, honestly I’m not a good waker; I take some pretty heavy sleeping meds because my brain doesn’t know how to shut off on its own anymore. It’s not normal for me to just bounce out of bed like that. But also it’s been a really great day? I went to S’s place before work, and we hung out for a couple hours. Then I came to work and got some really good news. So like, it makes sense for me to be in a good mood? And the meds are SUPPOSED to balance my mood. So maybe they just caught up and are doing their damn job. But I’ve had to sharply rein myself in from ordering like five things I’ve seen ads for tonight. So obviously the impulse control is still an issue. And round and round it goes…

Musing…

What am I doing here? To tell the truth, I’m not 100% sure. It just feels like it’s time to start documenting some of *gestures* all this.

You should be warned, some of this is going to be ugly. I will try to tag, and if there’s anything I miss feel free to let me know! I’m far from perfect, after all.

I guess I should start by introducing myself. Hiiiii, I’m Lyn (she/her). I’m slightly older than dirt. My official designation is bipolar I with psychotic features; I’m reasonably well medicated. I work overnights in a residential youth treatment center in Iowa, so you’ll frequently see posts in the middle of the night. Don’t worry, your technology isn’t misbehaving, I’m just a vampire.

I have a male partner, J, and a female partner, S. I also have a four-footed therapist, Medusa. You can see her in my profile picture, because I hate pictures of my actual self. My son lives in a group home for young adults a couple hours away.

I am a giant geek! My sense of humor runs to terrible puns and nerdy references, sorry-not-sorry. I love to read; right now I’m heavily into urban fantasy such as Jim Butcher and Seanan McGuire. Feel free to come squeal at me about whatever you’re reading though, I’m always up for a good rec!